birthday blues
thoughts attack my mind by the million. maybe that’s why i’m so quiet. i guess i always get like this around this time of year, because in a few weeks, i’m literally turning into a quarter of a century. my silver anniversary, imagine that.
everyday is still a struggle, especially with my relationships. I get mad sometimes. I get mad at people and I get mad at myself for not allowing to express who I really am for fear of people not accepting or understanding it, which is really the main reason for my disconnection. I feel sad because I had this breakthrough conversation with my best friend the other night. Nowadays, Joan’s really becoming more than a friend to me… she’s already my psychotherapist. She’s beginning to feel that even if I cater to the needs of the people around me, she could tell that I’m not happy. Geez… all these years I thought I was doing a pretty darn good job hiding it… 
I really don’t mean for people to feel responsible for my needs. It’s taken so many years to develop another stronger side of myself, that I feel confident to show people. My logical, mature, self-sufficient side. But it’s getting very hard. My mantra has become to put this person who was a simpleton with a significant lack of depth forward, to cover up a uniquely multi-faceted character. I’m still discovering just how profound my thoughts and emotions could be. I notice that people walk away from me with a perplexed impression, not really sure whether they found me pleasant or not. I’m not really a very easy person to like… not because I’m bad, mean or with terrible manners… I’m just complicated.
it hurts to continue playing the part of someone who was vacant and hollow, especially now that i’m realizing i’m becoming that because i can pretend so well. much as that seems to be the more fool-proof way for me to connect with the people around me, in my isolation, i could feel it continually taking its toll, just because of that predisposed belief that no one will have the patience and the time and the interest to dig deeper and truly see.
