Faraway32

somehow i believe this is my year.  2005 has been all about blessings but i feel like a lot is still in store for me.  this week, however, has been such an emotional rollercoaster that i fear what are the surprises just around the corner.  i entered my workplace last monday, with no intentions of changing my routine, until a phone call 30 minutes later sent me into an incontrollable spiral.

i’ve been crying everyday, and i don’t remember ever feeling so tired.  it’s like my denial for a change is staring me right at the face, that i feel weakened enough to see the people i care so much for struggling and working so hard yet receiving no recognition or credit.  i don’t know how long things will change for the better, or if they should get what they deserve, how we had all succumbed into the bureaucracy of the business and somehow lost the passion that dfs carried the torch from the beginning. 

two more people decided to try the same opportunity.  much to my heartbreak, they opted to forego it.  the reasons they hold may be touching and heroic, but it’s still sad… they’d find so much satisfaction there professionally and yet they chose to stay.  i kept thinking it was the right thing to do, for them to decide on their own, without anyone influencing their choices, personal or professional.  and if their hearts led them to stay, then they should.

yesterday was the manifestation of all the pent up anxiety.  up until now, i don’t know where i’ll be next week.  i know i’ll be okay if it doesn’t happen.  it only means i’m not done with dfs just yet, and that i wasn’t what they needed.  it doesn’t hurt to be with my friends just a little bit longer.  but a part of me, that strong desire to try something else, can’t ignore or let go of the opportunity.  the main trigger of my consideration is just because someone who had more than once believed in me was giving me the honor of working with him again, and at this point, that means everything to me.

i’ve refrained from telling people because i don’t want to cause unneccessary pain or worry.  a  lot of people have left, it’s enough to bruise the morale of those who remain.  but the dependency we’ve instilled in each other is fast becoming unhealthy, much as it hurts to admit it.  sooner or later, we know we’ll go our separate ways.  that’s how the call center business goes, right?  but just as i told another friend, who has chosen another path, does that necessarily have to be the case?

but then a couple of people did learn without my doing, and i didn’t feel like the proudest person in the world.  how could i be advising them to keep fighting and uphold their dignity when i myself was thinking of abandoning ship?  i was such a hypocrite.

and for that acount, i am guilty of being selfish…

they said they understood and that makes the decision all the more harder.  these people have been nothing but supportive and giving.  i don’t think i could work for another group of people who have inspired me so much in the past fifteen months.  but the whole picture has been penetrated by new faces and unfamiliar entities that fewer and fewer people greet you in the hallways with sincerity at best.  what happens if i did stay until december?  will i be the only one left?  can i honestly take that? 

maybe i’ve always been lucky, because i’m young, i have a lot to offer and i’m free.  my friends have encouraged me to go for it.  and 80% of me does want to try…

i just keep telling myself, if i did leave and these people who have become so dear to me remain as my friends, then i’m one of the luckiest people alive…