Faraway32

This year is slowly coming to a close.  I think it has something to do with becoming a year older too.  I’ve been struggling with making drastic life decisions for the past month and a half, and somehow I’ve never felt more right about something.  It’s actually emancipating just to listen to yourself and have to carry everyone else’s expectations in stride with grace.

I know I have some growing up to do.  I’ve often felt envious of my peers setting out in the world themselves and try to live vicariously through them, subtly feeding encouragement and knowing that some part of me is satisfied just witnessing their lives unfold even if mine remains stagnant.  I’m done blaming circumstance and lack of opportunity.  Opportunities are always there.  Maximizing and claiming them to be yours for the taking is another matter.

I thought my sadness was caused by external factors, disappointment in people, discontent in my situation.  All along there was this void that I still needed to fill.  I’ve always had my distant dreams, always believing that someday I’ll be able to fulfill them.  But I got too comfortable.  I thought if I didn’t move an inch, fate will still find its way to me.  But that’s wrong.  I needed to help fate.  It’s still a two-way process, as is with every relationship — tangible or not. 

A week ago, I found out that my first dream guy had a six-year old son.  I haven’t seen or talked to this guy for nearly that time.  He was someone I had put on top of a golden pedestal.  I really thought he was perfect.  Right now, I think he is close to perfect.  Years ago, we had communicated and known a little about each other.  But I was so young then, and so infatuated with this person that everything about him was exaggerated in my own perception.  I realize now that it was not his fault that I had viewed him that way.  The moment I discovered this new truth about him, it was difficult to reconcile with the image I had of him when he was only twenty-two.  After a few hours, though amidst numbing shock, I realize that it was one of his dreams, to have a child… seven, even.  And suddenly, inexplicable joy poured out of me.  I really did believe it was serendipity that after six years of not finding out anything about him that I learned about this now.

He was still teaching me something, even though it was indirect or unintentional.

I look at it that even if someone is not in my present reality, it doesn’t mean that the world stopped revolving for them.  Life does go on, and life does happen.  Any preserved memory remains with the people you’ve touched, but things and people change… but it’s a joyous thing if it’s for the better.

Whenever I look at his present picture now, with his son… I’m thinking… "I need to make my dreams come true too.  He did.  Why can’t I?"

I’ve always thought the goals I’m trying to reach were pretty reasonable.  But I’ve always thought I deserved them.  I’m learning that I am also responsible–and not just fate–to make them happen.

Another happy chapter of my life is very near its conclusion.  And it was a conscious choice.  Much as I’ll miss having that everyday, I need to look forward and find myself, find what I need to do.  A part of me remains the little girl petrified to get one foot out the door, another part is someone determined to explore the possibilities of the big world that I had been exposed to since I was very young.  I have the opportunities, a lot of them.  I just need to take one and see where it’ll take me.

I should find it delicious to savor such privilege.  And believe me, I am still learning.  I need to do this while a better part of me is optimistic and courageous, if not totally eccentric.

And… thank you, TJ.