Faraway32

June’s a big month for me.  Lots going on, personal and professional.  I finished my novel last June 3rd, after a year and 8 days.  It’s the second longest novel I’d ever written.  I find myself a bit detached to it now.  Perhaps because it’s drained me so much but when I do get to reread it, I smile and get all giddy.  It started as a homage to how I feel, centered to the most sublime experience of my life… and probably would remain that way.

June 4th.  While waiting for the afternoon ZODIAC showtime, a couple of friends of mine convinced me into calling him again.  I figured it was a Monday, and it was 10am over there, he was probably at work.  I didn’t support it at all, but I let them use my phone and a part of me did want to know how he was… So using a very baseless alibi to get to talk to him, 3 lousy attempts made it through his mother and then… he answered.

I just jumped to my feet at the adrenalin and bolted out the door.  I realize I couldn’t handle the reality of him when I’ve been living with the memories and the "idea" of this person for more than 6 years now.  How he remained special and untarnished to me must be beyond him.  It’s even beyond me.  I think a psychiatric evaluation is in order…

Alas, as I had predicted, he’d hung up at the discovery that it was a prank call.

Did I regret it?  For the most part, yes.  I’d always believed in the perfect order of things and it’s not something I should have manipulated.  If he is to come back to my life, he’s very welcome.  If he doesn’t, it only means I could live without him… and I have for the last six years. 

A small part of me wants to thank him, for being the person to jumpstart the change, but a bigger part is still very hopeful.  It’s precisely why I should leave him alone.

I was at the grocery store the other day, and I found myself missing him.  For a fleeting second, I felt that sharp ache of wondering what he was doing that very moment.  Maybe you do miss someone you haven’t had any contact with for several years, but mostly you miss someone because they mean something to you.  Hopefully you mean something to them too.

I feel a little jealous of people who’ve seen his country.  For someone who’s never even been there, I feel such an affinity.  Maybe it’s because that person has made it so beautiful to me that one of my desires is to see that country in this lifetime, whether or not I run into him. 

Maybe I’m just melancholic now, because it’s in the middle of the night and next week would pretty much determine what the next two years would hold for me.  I come back to six years ago for some semblance of innocence and purity, when I looked into that person’s green eyes and just felt beautiful because I was myself.  But I have to learn how to leave that behind.  That memory couldn’t be the only thing that would sustain me.

My mantra nowadays is to start growing up and go to the direction I need to go.  I need to surround myself with people who strive to be better.  I need to stop counting and comparing and setting expectations to people whom I know have less to give.  I need to stop feeling guilty for always having more.  I need to help people based on what I could do for them, not because they’re helpless themselves.  I need to consciously check my intentions.  I need to concentrate, more importantly, on loving me because no other person could do that… not the way I would have liked them to. 

I hope in the next two years, where ever life takes me, I’ll be able to turn back, give myself a pat on the back and say, "not bad, kiddo.  Not bad at all."