Faraway32

Here I am… living independently in another country, sharing a flat with friends and thriving at work… I had only dreamed of this a year ago, and now I’m living it.  I’ve finished a novel, good, right?  A very good friend has turned up after years of no communication, good, right?  I have earned and saved some money in my name, I have learned to
wash clothes and cooked somewhat, I’m buying my own things, I’m going out at night, I got a new haircut…

Good, right?

And I emailed him.

Good, right? 

I touched something I shouldn’t have and I opened a door that I’ve chosen not to tamper with for years.  My sister helped me, only… I think I feel crushed.

Sometimes I feel a deep ache inside me.  Not longing, but pain.  A part of me really wished I could’ve held on to the dream, possibly my greatest dream but I went for it… and now I’m catapulting back to earth, when a week ago I was soaring up the sky.

I thought if I take the steps, I’ll somehow be closer.  But now I couldn’t be farther away.

Maybe I hoped for too much?

But then again, that was my fault, not his.  I still think he’s sweet enough to have remembered, but that’s all he could offer now.  I realize that I had waited too long, and now… I don’t know where to begin to pick up the pieces.

My good friends have said I’m pretty and smart, and with a lot to offer.  A guy should be lucky to be with me.

The sad thing about this, as another birthday slowly approaches, much as my feet and my mind have to move forward, my heart keeps taking a glance back over my shoulder to a past where I wanted to loop into the future I’m heading for.

My mind has somehow warped itself into thinking that despite everything I’ve had to give up and what I’ve had to achieve, that he could have been the light at the end of the tunnel.

But there’s this awakening I couldn’t ignore anymore, that I couldn’t see anyone in the tunnel as I keep climbing up towards it and if there is someone up there after the struggle is over, that it’s not him…

I need to learn to release this.  Much as he hasn’t the damnest idea how he has affected from the very first moment we met, it’s just something he’ll never ever know anymore.

My faith should rest on the good things to come and not on some unrequited prize who had been unaware of the idealism I’m preserving.  I need to let go.  I’ve been saying this for years, and this time, I hope I mean it…